Saturday, January 13, 2007

Things I Paid for at Gunpoint Today: GEORGE STROUMBOULOPOULOS. aka: CBC sucks. Let me count the ways.

Our tax dollars pay for a many wondrous things. None of them include evenings out with friends, well-paved roads, or Patrick Swayze commemorative plates. Much tax money however, goes to essentials like these. Why? Because it's Canadian, dammit! Remember: A higher standard of living is for suckers.

George Strompoulopolyouthdemographicopolous', and his majestically focus-grouped hair

Man, Strombo sucks.

Yes, it's the hip young face of state-run media! Fresh from the previous parapet of high culture known as Much Music, George got his career break serving as a host on MM, providing the audience with much-needed breathers between extended musical interludes of sweaty young women grunting and/or gyrating in front of a low-angle camera. Having become thoroughly acquainted with a bovine audience that spends the majority of it's television time engaged in various unseemly self-gratifications, George has made the logical career leap to a CBC News Host.

I'm gonna show the HELL out of my range

George's hosting of journalistic music-video 'The Hour' consists of smug rapidfire prattle, cutting edge celebrity worship, and George's hilarious voice-pitch fluctuations meant to express what marketing execs call 'tude'. ie, "OH yeah, THAT'S awesome. I'M getting a DANISH." Pierced, dyed, spiked, and exhibiting unlimited skill in shooting sultry looks to the camera, (see attached pictures) dear Strombo is the embodiment of all things focus-group-cool. In a Herculean display of restraint, The Hour's producers manage to resist putting him on stage with sunglasses and a surfboard.

The delicious part of George's existence however, is how effortlessly and irony-free he embodies everything purported to be wrong with vulgar, bottom-line-obsessed private news corporations. The issues that apologetics of the CBC will say are the very reason we need a state-run media, liberated from the sordid whims of the market and lowest-common-denominator garbage. Flashy 'entertainment tonight' style reporting, an emphasis on entertainment value and politics-pushing over journalistic substance, and transparent appeals to a micro-targeted audience that comes off about as dignified and 'non-commercial' as the guy on the corner dropping his pants for nickels and cigarette butts. 'Strombo' manages to be a world-class offender of everything wrong with mainstream news media, and manages to do it on the state dole. Yes, thanks to George, our beloved Welfare Media has never been so freaking hip.

Please kill me. Get it? GET IT? It's on his WIENER. The CBC, our indispensible defender of Canadian high culture swoops to the freaking rescue like a paraplegic Tarzan. This moron's ego needs to be deflated by at least 4000 psi.

So what is it about George that's so starkly unappealing? Is it his fresh-baked-from-the-ad-agency cool-guy persona? The fact that he's dressed every morning by a marketing and social-sciences analysis squadron in a bomb-proof CBC bunker? The cringe-inducing appeal to the hip young youth market that's akin to seeing grandma try to snowboard down Everest with a jetpack? Or is it that without the benefit of the CBC, George would simply cease to exist? Or perhaps dissipate into a fine mist, rolling along the countryside, bringing cool, refreshing relief to hikers and hoboes alike, and giving pause to those that encounter it so that they stop and say "Hey, that smell like George Whatsisface to you?" Whatever the reason, I sure wish I wasn't forced to pay to see his perforated mug on everything from billboards to coffee mugs to self-sterilization pamphlets for inner-city youth.

What I would've preferred to have with my money:

Mutual fund
-Three legged coffee table
-'Golden Girls' Season one on DivX.


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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, you're SO right. And it happens with every generation. Remember RALPH BENMURGI??? That guy failed in every venue he tried, radio AND television, but like a phoenix he kept being resurrected by CBC to assault us with his 'tude and his ego and smirky "I know people and have a job for life" face. I bet 'ol Ralph sees this within an hour after it's posted....likely doing daily Google searches....

5:20 PM  

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