Saturday, January 13, 2007

The Kids These Days: An ode to "Tag"

Remember the days when hosing yourself down with ostentatious amounts of Aqua Velva was considered a giggle-inducing juvenile blunder? Something an awkward highschooler might do on his first date until his dad or big brother smelled him coming down the stairs, set him straight, hosed him off, gave him the keys to the wood-paneled wagon and told him to be back by eleven? "Body spray" is a marketing hook meant to appeal to that guy. The adolescent (of any age) who hasn't quite clued in to the fact that smelling from head-to-toe like a cosmetics aisle in an inner-city drugstore isn't quite as bottomlessly suave as they think, and will probably not result in them 'getting some' by avalanches of high-cheekboned, ninety-pound laxative addicts from the casting agency, eager to grind themselves against a guy that smells like dollar-store bathroom disinfectant.

Alas for the hygienically challenged, shower-scoffing target market of Tag, the resulting sensory effect of the product is not one of delicately perfumed cleanliness, but usually more akin to the mighty struggle of odors one percieves when entering a particularly foul service station bathroom, and is confronted by the smell of military-grade urinal cakes trying vainly to penetrate atmospheric conditions created not by mere human waste, but through untold eons of deliberate neglect.

"When a woman kisses you, she wants to smell TAG. When she's ripping off your Green Day shirt, she wants to smell TAG. And when she's so hopelessly overcome by lust that she's peeling your socks off with her teeth and chewing them like truck-stop jerky, she wants to smell TAG there, too. In short, there is no portion of your clothing or anatomy that should go un-TAGGED at any time." - Gillette

Fortunately, the mere concept of 'full-body spray' is so hilariously awful, so magnificently chintzy, that like pet rocks, rap-metal, or Jimmy Carter, it will necessarily be short-lived and swiftly looked back on with the appropriate embarassment.


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