Saturday, January 13, 2007

Scarlett Johansson: "Abstinence Sux, AIDS is awesome!"


Ah, but for the wisdom of celebrities. If we couldn't trust the moral insight of fabulously good-looking juveniles in adult bodies, where would we be?


For you with non-film-geeks with children, private-sector careers, or an active social calendar, Scarlett Johansson is to 18-26 year old cinephiles what Natalie Portman is to Star Wars geeks. One of those curiously worshipped celebrities loosely hailed as 'really intelligent', for reasons nobody can quite articulate. It usually means they look really good in the sorts of tasteful, high-gloss glamour shots used in perfume ads, make the occasional helpful comment about the awfulness of war and/or urban poverty, and nicely fill out tasteful black cocktail dresses. Top that off with a starring role at least one staggeringly mediocre oscar-bait flick every three years, and you're a shoo-in as a 'really intelligent' celebrity.

For the record, our 'intelligent celebrities' offer us nuggets of insight like these:

SCARLETT JOHANSSON has slammed US PRESIDENT GEORGE W BUSH for his staunch conservative views on sex, criticising the Republican for being too unrealistic in his opinions on the topic. The LOST IN TRANSLATION movie star last month (10OCT06) boasted about being so "socially aware" she gets tested for HIV twice a year. A staunch Christian, Bush is vehemently anti-abortion and is seeking to have the operation made illegal in all US states. During his time as Governor of Texas, Bush overhauled the state's sex education system and high school students were taught abstinence was the only way to protect themselves from sexually transmitted diseases (STD). Johansson says, "We are supposed to be liberated in America but if our President had his way, we wouldn't be educated about sex at all. "Every woman would have six children and we wouldn't be able to have abortions."


...and with that, she utters one of the most unintentionally hilarious, yet mind-blowingly stupid things uttered by a celebrity in well over an hour. Let's see if we can't break the poor girl's brain-fart down.

First, sorry kiddo. Getting HIV-tested doesn't make you 'socially aware'. It makes you more like, 'acutely aware that you're on the functional level of an escaped lobotomy patient who's chewed his way through his wrist-ties and can't help randomly sprinting into freeway traffic'.

Yes, this is one of the 'smart ones'. It's progressive and 'socially aware' to constantly, willingly, engage in activities that force you to live in constant terror of horrific, life-threatening diseases that are virtually completely avoidable.

Got that?

In other words, Bush and anyone who practices abstinence, and who don't do things that put themselves at constant risk of killer infections, are in fact, the unenlightened cultural dinosaurs and threats to our civilization. This is so many degrees of idiotic I could write variations on it all day, but let's move on.

Her walleyed performances may make her a star among libidinous coffee-house denizens, but it appears poor Scarlett's irony-meter is fatally damaged. Perhaps during one of her 'socially-aware' falls down half a dozen flights of stairs.

Other Fun Activities that Highlight your Awesomely Liberal Sense of Social Awareness:

-Windex-chugging contest

-Used heroin-needle juggling (ask your parents first!)

-Bear-cub taunting

-Raw chicken taste-testing


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