Monday, January 15, 2007

Perilous Adventure-Stories of Life in the West: Teenage Angst

"Shut Up and Stop Whining: Your ancestral betters didn't struggle through thousands of years of political and economic tyranny to produce the unspeakable comfort you enjoy so that you could scream at your parents about getting your nose pierced and then decide you're bi because you had a dream about breasts. Grow up already, you !@#$% brats. "

Life in the western world is really quite amazing. For the first time ever in human history, whole nations are affordably fed, save for where corruption reigns or in economically retarded socialist gulags. Even the poorest among us can readily meet all our material needs (if not our wants). And if we can't afford something, countless charitable institutions exist to provide us with what we need. And government institutions as well, which skim us on top of our regular giving. And even still we're materially comfortable beyond the wildest dreams of most human beings and societies that have ever existed. Yet we're not happy. We're pissed. We're ungrateful. We're petulant and selfish, entitled, egotistical, obnoxious and vain.

Frankly, we suck. Hard.

The unparalleled wealth and technological advancement generated by the rise of the west has sadly, given us a new golden age of imagined maladies, self-absorbed neuroticisms, and infantile emotion-worship. This is gonna get worse before it gets better, folks. In that spirit, I give you today's installment, one of the first of the new breeds of human this glorious new West has produced:

New! Improved! Pseudo-Manic-Depressive Teenage Girlfriend! Every PMDTG comes complete with your choice of unemployed loser-dad, or upper-middle-class mom & pop! Comes with four different hair-dye colors and eight different body piercings! Petulant sense of entitlement, perma-sulk whiny face, and your choice of trendy or ironic tattoos included! THRILL as her bellybutton piercing gets infected for the forty-fourth time! SIGH as she breaks down sobbing in your arms after her latest tears-and-smashing tirade! ROLL your eyes as she gives herself superficial injuries 'Just to know she can still feel'! CHOKE as she reads you her spiral-bound poetry collection 'loosely' inspired by Trent Reznor's chili-dog bowel movements! LOOK attentive as she tearfully confesses her emotionally murky bisexual desires! She sobs! She cries! She hates life, her parents and you, but she'll need you so bad she can't even say! It's a toxic spiral of juvenile codependency the whole family will love!

(it'd probably be funnier if I hadn't dated her myself, once upon a time.)


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